When I woke up today I just felt so fucking sleepy, even more than usual so when I was at home waiting for the bus to come to my house to bring me to school I was on the verge of passing out on my bed. I basically just blacked out when I got onto my seat on the bus and laid down. But when I woke up my bladder was filled to the brim with piss I had yet to release. Just having to sit on the bus for 5-15 minutes waiting for the bus to make it to school was fucking painful to say the least. When I finally made it to the bathroom it took me over a quarter of a minute to actually finish pissing.
When I was walking back to class I saw Huey walking down the hall going in the opposite direction as myself he for reason, acted very friendly and even motioned his arm to give me a high-5. I felt confused for obvious reasons if you read the end of yesterday's post. Did I just mishear him or something?
At P.E today Anthony still fucking wouldn't give me the money and he was acting like a cunt due to him and Mark shittalking me a lot and I although I am with a lot of people during P.E I still felt alone. I just tried to ignore it and at that point I just accepted that I was never gonna get the money that Anthony owns me. It honestly didn't bother though, I was just feeling flat in general at the moment, spending P.E just staring into nothingness until it was time go to back to class, wishing that I could just have a pack of candy cigarettes to smoke it all away.
Like, smoking cigarettes is pretty fucking lame. Because it fucks up your lungs and kills ya n' shit. However, smoking on a purely aesthetically level, seems pretty cool. It looks kinda badass. And lot of the protagonists of the novels I read are smokers or are heavy users of a lot of different substances and shit. I wanna try candy cigarettes so I can recreate the aesthetic of an emotionally detached passive guy who is very introverted n' shit without fucking up my lungs with real cigarettes. I tried asking my mom yesterday where I can buy some and she gave me the vague answer of "cheap Mexican liquor stores" and pointed out that candy cigarettes are generic and are not apart of any name brands or anything like that.
So anyways nothing really notable really happened after P.E. But when I got on the bus to go home I realized that despite summer vacation coming soon, it was at most a momentary respite. There would be no freedom or hope for at least 2 more years, that is assuming I don't off myself before then. I can only try to escape by chilling at home smoking candy cigarettes until August which is when the world will thrust me back into madness and suffering. I will be forced to have my will to power on tested and it will probably break me.
At the end of one of my favorite novels of all time the story ends with the protagonist seeing a sign that reads, "This is not an exit."