When I walked out of the auditorium I recall feeling kinda weak. It was kinda difficult to walk like if it was as if I had been nearly beaten to death and ass raped raw. I tried limping my way to the bathroom to freshen up from this prison shower scene but when I got inside there was so much people there and I didn’t feel like waiting so I just left the theater and tried texting Annie for emotional support. She just made fun of me.
I walk pass the Burger King next to the Cinemark I was in and I notice a bench nearby that had an image of what I was unfortunate enough to see. Suddenly, time stops and everything, including me, freezes. As this happens the only thing I hear is the sound of a record scratching. Now, you’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation. It’s a really lame story, I’ll tell you that much. But it all felt so traumatizing when it happened. It was just so crazy! Well, I guess now it’s now time to cut the foreplay and get to the fucking. Here is the story of how it all started and ended…
I had decided to go see that new Sonic movie during on the night of the premiere. I had no expectations for the movie as I was just gonna watch it ironically for the memes. I googled the movie for showtimes and whatnot and I found that it somehow got some decent reviews which was quite the surprise. I went to the theater, payed for a ticket, went into the auditorium (I got to sit in the front row!) and then I sat through like, 20 minutes of ads. I thought I was free from all this cringy consumerism when the movie was actually starting but I was wrong as I saw a dumb product placement for U.S. Bank in the opening scene.
That opening scene to me, set up this film’s main problem of trying too hard of being too hip, trendy, and meta a la Deadpool as Sonic has an unfunny in-your-face monologue talking about his current situation and then he goes into his backstory. Despite everyone talking about how cute child Sonic looks I personally found it kinda hideous. Anyways, his backstory establishes that he has a bag of magic rings and he can use one of these rings as a portal that can take him to a different planet. I’m mentioning this right now because this creates a plot hole which artificially leads to some dumb character drama.
The main conflict of the story happens when Sonic uses his powers and causes a power outage which causes like, the government or whatever, to try to track him down. Sonic wants to use one of the rings which will lead him to a mushroom world. But he loses the rings and now has to go on a quest to San Francisco with Generic Male Movie Protagonist but the thing is that Sonic doesn’t like the mushroom planet which makes him feel conflicted while on the road trip and he eventually chooses to stay on Earth after the final battle. This lame excuse for “character development” is pointless because if he didn’t like the option of going to the mushroom world, he could have just used a different ring and maybe have just gone somewhere he would have liked instead.
It’s funny how people have spoiler warnings in their reviews of this monstrosity because in all honesty, with the exception of the post credits scene, there is literally nothing to spoil at all because the plot was so predictable that within 30 minutes in the film I already guessed the way the movie was gonna end and when it was over it turns out I wasn’t wrong at all. Because of this, the movie felt boring including the scene (that obviously only exists to fill up the run time) where Sonic gets into a “wacky” bar fight happened because I just hoped deeply that my suffering would end.
The most enertaining parts of this movie were the bits where Jim Carrey played Dr. Robotnik and was a dick to every other character. Robotnik’s jokes landed more consistently unlike Sonic’s and although Jim Carrey looks nothing like Robotnik his over the top performance made the jokes even better although I think that Christian Jacobs would have been an even better casting choice. Not that it would have been possible.
Everyone loved in the audience loved the movie. When Eggman was defeated in the climax of the final battle some stupid bitch in a row behind me said “Oh my god this is so satsifying.” when the movie finally got to the credits I said “What the fuck did I just watch!” almost screaming. I then got out of my seat like everyone else to leave. That’s how I got where I am now.
Time unfreezes and after I looked at the bench with the ad on it I talked to The Boy Named Crow about it on Discord and he was more empathetic about it unlike Annie. I also talked about with my other friend Clark about and he apparently just saw it himself and he felt the same way I did about the movie. After I got home I thought about other things in order to feel better. It worked I guess.