What the fuck is wrong with me?

God I've been feeling fucking awful recently. This world is a fucking cesspool and there is no escape from it. There's no happiness to be found in the real world so I use fiction and the internet to just run away. I just want to escape from the boring, joyless real world, but I can't because it's the only reality that exists. I can't function in the real world. I fucking turned 16 on last month on the 18th and yet I still don't have a fucking job and I have no money and my family is broke and can't even afford driver's school for me. I'm too young and too stupid to change the world so I'm just here, in my bedroom, feeling like shit and listening to my favorite Elvis Costello song, Less Than Zero. Life is just nothing.

I've thought about offing myself at various times in my life. But I've always been batshit scared. Y'know, the whole "Is there life after death?" thing? I find the thought of ceasing to exist to be scariest of them all. I wanna die, but I wanna exist too. Funny how I'm like that. What the is gonna happen to me after high school? Will I just starve to the death on the streets or some shit? Sometimes I wonder why I even bother writing. Does anyone even read this shitty blog? I'm clearly not gonna become e-famous from this, and this blog is just retarded teen angst galore. I bet I'm gonna cringe reading this piece of shit website in my 20's.